I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
