yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
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