I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
