I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Randomize
