I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
