just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
