haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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