ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
