did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
