my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
organizing the empties. That sober.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Randomize
