And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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