and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
