Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize