Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
