watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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