he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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