I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Randomize
