ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
