I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Let's get the cat blown out
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
