I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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