I could have mohawked her pubes.
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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