gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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