i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
