All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
