I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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