Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
