This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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