im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I wish I only lived at night.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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