At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
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