I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
