Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Can Purell be used as lube?
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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