Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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