People in love make me want to vomit
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
