I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
