so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
the liver wants what the liver wants
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Randomize
