my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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