I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
