Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
