my vag is so smooth its legendary
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
