I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
