dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
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