I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
