At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
