I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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