i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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