Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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