Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
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