That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
