im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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