i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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