Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
