For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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