Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize