I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
