Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
