I showed him my bush... on skype.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Randomize