did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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