GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize