i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
