I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
