Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
