Sorry, I don't speak sober.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
