Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
