My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
