I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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