Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize