Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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