Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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