Porn is love you can see.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
