i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Randomize
