I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Randomize
