I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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