I'm laying in your front yard are you home
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
