RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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