She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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