My liver just broke up with me...
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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